This little man turned four years old today. He’s a giant big love. A quirky, saucy and sweet personality wrapped up in an all-boy package. I’m feeling sentimental about his journey into our family four years ago, and I’m truly grateful for the gift that he is.
Sometimes you don’t know what you need until it arrives, and that is the case with this one. I planned a space. God planned a perfect blessing instead. I was after a sensible and manageable life path. God was after growing me in beautiful and uncomfortable ways. I can’t even begin to express how thankful I am for this boy. Like, seriously. Words are failing me. So instead, I’m pasting in some of the writing I did throughout the year I was pregnant with him. Truly, one of my life’s best surprises to date.
(excerpts written throughout 2009)
I have learned to just say Yes to Jesus when He’s up to something I don’t understand.
One of those times is now. I say Yes to what He has for me. That just happens to be a new baby. In one terrific moment, God leapt out of a 2x4x1 inch box labeled “First Response” to tell me, “Surprise! I have another blessing for you!”
I think sometimes there are moments in life that you realize how quickly life is moving. How much there is to embrace. How much there is to let go of. I’m surprised, delighted, and overwhelmed.
I haven’t seen your face yet, unless you count the fuzzy ultrasound photo we first took at 14 weeks. I haven’t felt your fingers wrap around mine, and I haven’t felt your breath on my neck as you sleep, but I know a little about you already. I know approximately how big you are any given week, thanks to a book that tells me about all of your developmental milestones. I know that in 5 short months, you have matured enough to communicate to me in the smallest ways. Just a few days ago, I pressed on you with my fingers and you pressed back. You said, “I’m here, and I’m alive. I am looking forward to seeing your face as much as you’re looking forward to seeing mine.” “All in good time,” I said back in my heart. Sometimes I feel like I can’t wait that long, but the truth is, I can, and the longer I wait, the longer you have to get your best start at life. I know I won’t always be perfect, but it is my heart to give you a healthy start, a happy home, and a hearty dose of love each day. I’ve heard thats how babies grow best.
I don’t yet know if you are boy or girl, but I know you’re special. Your big sister tells me she thinks you are either a horse or a house…I’m not sure why she thinks that, or how either of those would fit in the bump where you live, but she’s imaginative and delightful. I think you’ll love her. Your big brother doesn’t really know you’re coming yet, but when the two of you get a little older, I imagine you’ll be great friends. I feel like it was only yesterday that he was the little person in my womb, having these same conversations with me. And your daddy? You won’t find any other daddy who is more wonderful than he is. He loves you even now, as do I. One week from now, we’ll know your name…well, I guess I should say, one week from now we will know whether you are boy or girl….and we’ve already chosen some names that I think you’ll be pleased with.
So dear one, until I can call you by your name, I will tell you that though you are yet faceless and nameless in our world, I believe your face and name are known by God, and He has great plans for you.
How to begin, my son? All day I’ve been bursting with excitement to learn more about you. We made a visit to the hospital for an ultrasound and learned all kinds of new things about you. You are quite the acrobat, you have all your limbs, and as of now, they think you weigh about 13 ounces. That really blows my mind. Seeing you so active and then thinking about just how tiny you still are. We got to see your big heart beat–and I say big, because I believe you will be a big-hearted guy just like your pops…and the fact that your heart seems to fill a full quarter of your body.
Born on Wednesday, October 14th at 9:13am weighing 8lbs 12oz and measuring 21in long.
Our little man is now eight days old, and as with most newborns, it is hard to imagine that just more than a week ago we had never seen his face, and that even one year ago, there is was not even the inkling of him in our minds. It amazes me how quickly things change and how immediately the heart embraces new life…so fiercely that it seems as if this child has always been with us.
I’m compelled to shout my gratitude aloud…over and over…To God: for helping me find my voice in the quietness and solitude of motherhood, for fulfilling the promise to heal the brokenness of my heart and restore me, for growing me in more areas than is ever comfortable, and for giving me clear vision about His very best for my life.